Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 12

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.