Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 12

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.