Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 12

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?