Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 12

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.