Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 12

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?