Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 7
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.