Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 7
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly.
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.