Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 8

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

Whenever I walk people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.