Quotes & Jokes by Mitch Hedberg / page 8

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.