Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."
I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.
I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.