Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.