Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.