Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.