Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.