Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10
Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.