Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10
Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.
'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.