Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10
Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.