Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I still take the pill because I don't want any more grandchildren.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.