Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 10

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.