Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9
One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.
Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.