Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Today my alphabet soup spelled "UGH."

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.

Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.