Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.

Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.