Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9

Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.