Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

I got a figure that just won't start.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.

Today my alphabet soup spelled "UGH."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.