Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.