Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9
Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.