Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.