Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9
I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.