Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 9

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Today my alphabet soup spelled "UGH."

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Fang said if they had used my figure for the hourglass, the day would be very short.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.