Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 4

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

I once baked a rum cake that gave Fang a hangover.

When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.