Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 4

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

I once baked a rum cake that gave Fang a hangover.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.