Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 4

Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I once baked a rum cake that gave Fang a hangover.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.