Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 4
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
He was in the air most of the time. On the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.