Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 5

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.