Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 5

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say 'Take off your clothes'?

The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.