Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 5

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say 'Take off your clothes'?

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.