Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 5

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say 'Take off your clothes'?

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.