Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 5

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

He was in the air most of the time. On the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.