Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 5

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

He was in the air most of the time. On the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.