Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 6

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

We had a civil ceremony – his mother couldn’t come.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

If Fang had a brain operations, it would be minor surgery.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.