Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 6

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say 'Take off your clothes'?

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.

Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

We had a civil ceremony – his mother couldn’t come.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

If Fang had a brain operations, it would be minor surgery.