Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 6

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

He was in the air most of the time. On the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

We had a civil ceremony – his mother couldn’t come.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

If Fang had a brain operations, it would be minor surgery.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.