Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 6

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.

Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

We had a civil ceremony – his mother couldn’t come.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

If Fang had a brain operations, it would be minor surgery.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.