Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 7

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.

I got a figure that just won't start.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.