Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 7

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.