Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 7
When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"
Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.
My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.