Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 7

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.

Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

I got a figure that just won't start.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.