Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 7

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.

Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

I got a figure that just won't start.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.

It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.