Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 7

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.

Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

I got a figure that just won't start.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.