Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."