Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.

Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.

Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

I got a figure that just won't start.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.