Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."
Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.