Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.

I got a figure that just won't start.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.