Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.
One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.
Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.
Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.