Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench.

I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.