Quotes & Jokes by Phyllis Diller / page 8
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Some bad things have been happening to me. A pervert called me. Five times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives. And my fan club broke up today. The guy died.