Quotes & Jokes by Red Buttons / page 6
Nostradamus, who predicted he would never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!
Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, "For God sakes, don't scratch it!" Never got a dinner!
The doctor who delivered Mr. T, who said, "He slapped me!" Never got a dinner!
George Washington, who said to his father, "Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President?" Never got a dinner!
When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!
Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, "How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant!" Never got a dinner!
Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!
Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, "Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits." Never got a dinner!
Rip Van Winkle, who said, "Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a dinner!
The last time I heard booing like that was when I was doing my act.
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.