Quotes & Jokes by Red Buttons / page 6

Nostradamus, who predicted he would never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!

Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, "For God sakes, don't scratch it!" Never got a dinner!

The doctor who delivered Mr. T, who said, "He slapped me!" Never got a dinner!

Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, "Are you sure all we did was kiss?" Never got a dinner!

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!

Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, "How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant!" Never got a dinner!

Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!

Rip Van Winkle, who said, "Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a dinner!

The last time I heard booing like that was when I was doing my act.

Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, "Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits." Never got a dinner!

I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing.

Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.