Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 10

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

The monkey on my back is me.

Sobriety is something you do for yourself. I sure don't miss blackouts but the downside is having the clarity to know who I am.

If you make love - if you're lucky enough to have a partner - let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.

When in doubt you might be right.

Lots of people fake orgasms but I fake serenity.

The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.

If I could rent someone else's subconscious occasionally maybe I could get a decent night's sleep.

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

I like to isolate if I can avoid myself.

My mom had gossip dyslexia... she'd gossip in front of people's backs.

I never take enough credit for my failures.

I bug myself to take the pressure off of my pals.

I believe in unidentified flying obstacles.

My ego wears an Ace bandage.