Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 11

If you make love - if you're lucky enough to have a partner - let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.

My mom had gossip dyslexia... she'd gossip in front of people's backs.

The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.

My car broke down this morning before I did.

I never take enough credit for my failures.

I believe in unidentified flying obstacles.

My family used depression to hide from anxiety.

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

Lots of people fake orgasms but I fake serenity.

I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.

Depression isn't affected by gravity.

I'll have a great weekend if I'm not involved.

I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.

If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.