Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 11

My mom had gossip dyslexia... she'd gossip in front of people's backs.

My ego wears an Ace bandage.

My family used depression to hide from anxiety.

I'll have a great weekend if I'm not involved.

I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'

My car broke down this morning before I did.

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.

I have no regrets mainly because my memory is shot.

If I can keep away from myself I'll have a great weekend.

If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.

The only person I can barely compromise with is myself.

Marriage was the only way to truly find out that I was the wrong choice.

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn't exist.

When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'