Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 9

I've learned the hard way. Now I only strive for imperfection.

My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.

My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.

My mother was taught by a nasty ventriloquist who lived nearby my childhood home to throw guilt without moving her conscience.

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

I started having intimacy problems during my breast-feeding.

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I'll kill myself.

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

I stopped having intimacy problems when my lovers did impressions of other women.

There's no place like home that's why I never went back.

If I could rent someone else's subconscious occasionally maybe I could get a decent night's sleep.

The monkey on my back is me.