Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 9

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

An amateur ventriloquist, my dad could throw his chest pains.

Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.

When in doubt you might be right.

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.

Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.

My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.

I've learned the hard way. Now I only strive for imperfection.

There's no place like home that's why I never went back.

My mother was taught by a nasty ventriloquist who lived nearby my childhood home to throw guilt without moving her conscience.

My ego wears an Ace bandage.