276 quotes
I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'
An amateur ventriloquist, my dad could throw his chest pains.
When in doubt you might be right.
I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.
I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.
My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.
My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.
My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.
I've learned the hard way. Now I only strive for imperfection.
My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.
Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.
My ego wears an Ace bandage.
There's no place like home that's why I never went back.
My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.
My mother was taught by a nasty ventriloquist who lived nearby my childhood home to throw guilt without moving her conscience.
