Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 9

An amateur ventriloquist, my dad could throw his chest pains.

You can lead a fanatic to water but you can't make him think.

My ego wears an Ace bandage.

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

When in doubt you might be right.

There's no place like home that's why I never went back.

I've learned the hard way. Now I only strive for imperfection.

My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I'll kill myself.

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.

The only person I can barely compromise with is myself.

I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.

Marriage was the only way to truly find out that I was the wrong choice.

Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.