Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 12

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

My family used depression to hide from anxiety.

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.

I have no regrets mainly because my memory is shot.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'

I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.

What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.