Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 12

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'

I have no regrets mainly because my memory is shot.

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

Desperation is my sweet spot.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.