Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 12

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

Desperation is my sweet spot.

I have no regrets mainly because my memory is shot.

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

I think; therefore I worry.

What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.