Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 12

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

I have no regrets mainly because my memory is shot.

When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'

If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

Desperation is my sweet spot.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.