Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 12

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

I have no regrets mainly because my memory is shot.

I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

When I moved in with this lady, I just... I mean, I walked into the bedroom - you know, we're looking at this apartment - and I said, 'What's this handwriting on the wall?'

Desperation is my sweet spot.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.