Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 13

Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

I think; therefore I worry.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.