Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 13

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

For my sake I hope this is the first day of somebody else's life.

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

I think; therefore I worry.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.