Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 13

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I'd rather be wrong than think I'm right and bug people.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

Resentments are a waste of time. One day I'll stop resenting myself.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

I'm a cautious pessimist.

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.