Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 13

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.

My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.