Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 13

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

I think; therefore I worry.

If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.

My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.