Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 14

I just unfollowed myself. Why follow an idiot.

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

My life is the sum of other peoples' experiences.

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

Just woke up after a nightmare only to reaiize it is far safer asleep than me making breakfast and always paranoid about poisoning myself.

Founding Fathers didn't worship Jesse James or Al Capone. Protect yourself but gun reform will save murders and suicides in the long run.

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

I think; therefore I worry.

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.