Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 14

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

I'm a cautious pessimist.

"The times they are a changin" mostly for those who need it least.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

I purposefully studied ventriloquism so I can throw my orgasm - which was sort of a sad moment in my life.

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

Just woke up after a nightmare only to reaiize it is far safer asleep than me making breakfast and always paranoid about poisoning myself.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."