Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 15

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.

I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.