Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 15

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.

I people-please everyone but myself.

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

My life is the sum of other peoples' experiences.

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'