Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 15

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

My life is the sum of other peoples' experiences.

We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

Founding Fathers didn't worship Jesse James or Al Capone. Protect yourself but gun reform will save murders and suicides in the long run.

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

The more you want the less you get.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.