Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 15

I people-please everyone but myself.

I blew off meditation for worrying and found myself.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

My life is the sum of other peoples' experiences.

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

I have lowered my expectations, sexually. I don't care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don't make any grammatical errors.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'

The more you want the less you get.

Today is the last day of the beginning of my life.

My family only looked human in fun house mirrors.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.