Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 16

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

My mother sadly claimed, that my birth was just a coincidence.

I'm best in bed sexually when I'm alone and especially during a quake.

Crap, I have a new obsession... I second-guess other people.

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.