Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 16

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

The more you want the less you get.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

I people-please everyone but myself.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."