Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 16

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

I am much more comfortable in someone else's skin.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.