Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 16

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

My nitemares are so hip I go to bed eating popcorn.

I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

The more you want the less you get.

Don't take death for granted.

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.

My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.