Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 16

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

I'm also concerned about reincarnation because if I was hexed and came back as myself I'd kill myself.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

My shrink told me I had an out-of-family experience when I was growing up.

Don't take death for granted.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

The secret to a happy life is to have zero expectations and try to not trust prop comics.

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.