Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 17

My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

We get into bed, and she says, 'You're not going to use your penis, are you?'

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

Being sober for 18 years, now when I take prescribed medicine I pray for hip, side effects.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

Crap, I have a new obsession... I second-guess other people.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

I have ditched every resentment in my life except that tricky one against myself.

Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

Don't take death for granted.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.