Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 17

They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.

When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

Crap, I have a new obsession... I second-guess other people.

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

I'm best in bed sexually when I'm alone and especially during a quake.

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.