Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 17

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

When John and Yoko promoted. "Give Peace a Chance" my folks sadly thought they just meant our family.

They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.

Crap, I have a new obsession... I second-guess other people.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

I'm best in bed sexually when I'm alone and especially during a quake.

If you feel comfortable in your own skin it's not yours.

I just fired my shrink. She called me the "Every-Mess."

I try to live in the moment but other people ruin it.

My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'