Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 17

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

I'll take a vaction if I don't go.

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

I lost my virginity alone... at least that's what the chick told me.

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

If I'm on the toilet for more than two minutes, I take Dramamine. That's how nauseous I get.

Today I followed my instincts and never got out of bed.

I thrive on imperfection.

Don't count on others to care about you more than you do about yourself or you'll probably run away with the circus and hide forever.

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'