Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 18

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'

Today I followed my instincts and never got out of bed.

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

I get intimacy booster shots once a week at my doctor.

I thrive on imperfection.

My nightmares have coming attractions.

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.

Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.