Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 18

I thrive on imperfection.

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

We made love, and I thought she had an orgasm. I said, 'Well, did you have an orgasm?' She said, 'Yeah, but I was hoping for a series.'

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'

For sanity,I just cut down my family tree.

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

Nowhere is a great place to start.

I'd deeply apologize to Richard Lewis for my offensive slurs to myself.

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.

Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.