Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 18
Nightmares are killing me so I'm going to sleep doing impressions.
I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.
I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'
Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.
Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.
When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.
When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'
Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.
The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.