Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 18

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

My shrink is bored and insists that I create and blame my darkness on another family.

I get intimacy booster shots once a week at my doctor.

They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.

Today I followed my instincts and never got out of bed.

I thrive on imperfection.

Many in the Senate and the Congress care more about their jobs on a watered-down bill over potential mass murders and suicides with guns.

For sanity,I just cut down my family tree.

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

Nowhere is a great place to start.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.