Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 4

Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.

Sobriety worked for me but I have so much clarity now I hate myself even more.

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

I hope I'm able to relive my future.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.

My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

Emotionally, the hardest part about living for me is being me.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

Good morning... never experienced that myself.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.