Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 4

Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.

I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'

Good morning... never experienced that myself.

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.

The longer that I live the less time I have to worry.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.

I have so much on my mind yet so little to say.

Emotionally, the hardest part about living for me is being me.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.