Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 4

One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.

I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'

Good morning... never experienced that myself.

The longer that I live the less time I have to worry.

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.

My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

I have so much on my mind yet so little to say.

Emotionally, the hardest part about living for me is being me.

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.

We can't agree on religion and guns and economics and sadly civil rights but if the wealthy won't chip in for the needy we are done.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.