Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 4

Don't let morons judge you... Do what I do... I moronically judge myself first and get it over with... But on my watch.

One of the pluses of being married with no kids is that my wife can have more free time after she tucks me in.

The longer that I live the less time I have to worry.

My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.

I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

Emotionally, the hardest part about living for me is being me.

I have so much on my mind yet so little to say.

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

Nothing is happening and that is a very cool sign.

We can't agree on religion and guns and economics and sadly civil rights but if the wealthy won't chip in for the needy we are done.

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.