Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 4

Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.

I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

Good morning... never experienced that myself.

I hope I'm able to relive my future.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

Sadly, the worst audience I ever had were my parents.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

The longer that I live the less time I have to worry.

I have so much on my mind yet so little to say.

My favorite holiday is Co-dependency Day.

Emotionally, the hardest part about living for me is being me.

My beautiful rescue dog, Bella Luna Lewis, has decided to put me up for adoption.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.