Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 5

To be on the safe side I use a condom when I masturbate.

I hired three people to watch my back but they were killed so now I have a team of gypsies watch my future and let the present worry alone.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.

I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

I hope I'm able to relive my future.

Love your kids unconditionally. My mother had an onlooker breastfeed me.

I don't care what people think of me because I never cared what I thought about myself.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

If you have a date tonight, play it safe and leave your heart at home.

Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.

If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.