Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 6

I live in a predominantly anxious section of town.

My parents didn't want to get divorced until they passed away.

If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.

My ist grade teacher was so obsessive-compulsive, that for fire drills she made us line up in alphabetical order.

Why put on an act on stage when I'm tragically myself.

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

I'd be far more content if I could mind someone else's business.

On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.

I got screwed when my parents passed away. They left me their unfinished business.

I've managed to forgive everyone who screwed me but myself.

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.