Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 6

My ist grade teacher was so obsessive-compulsive, that for fire drills she made us line up in alphabetical order.

If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.

Love your kids unconditionally. My mother had an onlooker breastfeed me.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

To be on the safe side I use a condom when I masturbate.

Nothing is happening and that is a very cool sign.

I already wish I could relive my future.

Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.

I'd be far more content if I could mind someone else's business.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

Why put on an act on stage when I'm tragically myself.