Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 6

If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.

My ist grade teacher was so obsessive-compulsive, that for fire drills she made us line up in alphabetical order.

Love your kids unconditionally. My mother had an onlooker breastfeed me.

Nothing is happening and that is a very cool sign.

Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

To be on the safe side I use a condom when I masturbate.

I already wish I could relive my future.

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.

I'd be far more content if I could mind someone else's business.

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

Why put on an act on stage when I'm tragically myself.

I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."