Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 7

I've managed to forgive everyone who screwed me but myself.

Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.

On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

The monkey on my back is me.

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'