Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 7

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.

I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

I've managed to forgive everyone who screwed me but myself.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'