Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 7

I was having a great day until I woke up.

Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.

I've managed to forgive everyone who screwed me but myself.

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.