Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 7

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.

I already wish I could relive my future.

Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.

I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.