Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 7

Why put on an act on stage when I'm tragically myself.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'

I've managed to forgive everyone who screwed me but myself.

I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.