Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 7
On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.
Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.
She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'
Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.
I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'
People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.
To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.
One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.
I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.
Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'