Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 7

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.

Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.