Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 7

Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.

I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."

I've managed to forgive everyone who screwed me but myself.

I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

Life is a myth. Death is real. Orgasms rule.

Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.