Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 8

I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

The greatest impact on my life has been nothing.

You can lead a fanatic to water but you can't make him think.

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.

Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.