Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 8

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

The greatest impact on my life has been nothing.

The monkey on my back is me.

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.

My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.