Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 8

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

Here's the deal. If you're with somebody who you love, they should want you in bed. That's it. Once it goes south in bed, that's it. You don't want to be in bed with somebody that says, 'I'll race you to sleep.'

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

You can lead a fanatic to water but you can't make him think.

Nothing is happening but I'll ruin it.

I was having a great day until I woke up.

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.

An amateur ventriloquist, my dad could throw his chest pains.

I've learned the hard way. Now I only strive for imperfection.

I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.