Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 8

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.

The greatest impact on my life has been nothing.

The monkey on my back is me.

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.