Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 8

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

The greatest impact on my life has been nothing.

It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.

I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.