Richard Pryor Quotes and Jokes

111 quotes

Bitch was so fine I'd suck her daddy's dick.

I went to the White House, met the president... We in trouble. (on Reagan)

My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

When I hear 'yee-haw!', that scare the shit outta me. Cuz I know what come next. Y'all remember? Y'all's ancestors used to hang us for kicks? ..Muthafuckin on the weekend, hot, couldn't get no pussy? 'Let's go down to the jail, get a couple of them black ones and just string 'em up. ..yeehaww..' ..When I hear that, shit crawl all up and down my neck.

Who you gonna believe, bitch? Me? or your lying eyes?

How's my mama? How's your mama? I will slap you in the mouth with my dick.

There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.

Let me tell you what really happened. Usually when I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. And One night I had some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, And I mixed them together. And I dipped my cookie and the shit blew up.

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.

When I was on vacation in Africa, I went out in the country. Where you see some lions and shit. I'm talking about real lions, not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo. Hey, lion, motherfucker.

You don't get to be old bein' no fool...

You gotta be cool when you're macho man, cuz you can't be sensitive and care about someone having a good time in bed, cuz that's too scary... When you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen, because men really get afraid. Men really get scared in bed.

When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up quick! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like... FIRE! Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.