Quotes & Jokes by Robin Williams / page 12

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here`s a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!"

This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks.

What's true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.

If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down?

Spielberg is so powerful he had final cut at his own circumsision.

You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

Reality: What a concept!

Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em!

They should have little disclaimer that says - "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show!"

Our freedoms are under siege - for our own good, they tell us.

If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?"

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

The only weapon we have is comedy.

My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.