Quotes & Jokes by Robin Williams / page 4

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.

If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?

I don't know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."

I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"

When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.

God, maybe instead of resting on the seventh day you should of thought about compassion.

The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.

You have to break in half to love somebody.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something.

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."