Quotes & Jokes by Robin Williams / page 4

If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"

If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

I don't know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works.

God, maybe instead of resting on the seventh day you should of thought about compassion.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

You have to break in half to love somebody.

The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.

You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something.

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."

They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision - you either go all the way or forget it.