Quotes & Jokes by Robin Williams / page 4

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.

If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

I don't know why I made the raccoons Irish, but it works.

When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.

If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."

I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"

The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.

You have to break in half to love somebody.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

God, maybe instead of resting on the seventh day you should of thought about compassion.

You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something.

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"

In California, we are a sixty percent Hispanic state, we elected an Austrian governor. Even old Nazis are going "That's weird."