Quotes & Jokes by Robin Williams / page 7

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

Isn't this posh? I'll bet you need credit references just to get in the pool.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

We wanted a name that was fun and different and something people would remember. Foundation board member Betty McCain suggested Winter Solstice, and we went with that.

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

And now that you have a child you have to clean up your act, 'cause you can't drink anymore. You can't come home drunk and go, "Hey, here`s a little switch: Daddy's gonna throw up on you!"

Dreams don’t deal in time. Time doesn’t count.

I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.

The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard.

Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane.

You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.