Quotes & Jokes by Robin Williams / page 9

Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.

Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

It has this scope that's outrageous, but yet at the core, these very intimate scenes, so that alone is interesting.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"

Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you - when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.

And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?"

There are no rules. Just follow your heart.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.