Quotes & Jokes by Robin Williams / page 9

I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"

Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you - when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead.

Inside of you, there's a fashion model just waiting to throw up.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?"

And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.

It has this scope that's outrageous, but yet at the core, these very intimate scenes, so that alone is interesting.

I had a lovely military flight, thank you. I love spiraling in - nothing like that to make your colon go, "Fire in the hole!"

Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.

And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

I was the equivalent of a 98 pound weakling. I would go to the beach and people would throw copies of Byron in my face!