Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.