Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.