Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.