Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.