Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.