Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."