Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 16
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.