Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 14

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.