Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 14

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.