Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 14
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.