Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 14
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."