Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I have three kids, one of each.