Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

I have three kids, one of each.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!