Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10

I have three kids, one of each.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.