Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.