Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.