Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10

425 quotes

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.