Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!