Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.