Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 10
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."