Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!