Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

I have three kids, one of each.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.