Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"