Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.