Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.