Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.