Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 9
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.