Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

I have three kids, one of each.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.