Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.