Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.