Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.