Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 11
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.