Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 12
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!