Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 12

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.