Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 12

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.