Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 12

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.