Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 12

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.

She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.