Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 12

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

Farts, then says, "What, did somebody sit on a duck?"

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.