Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 12

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I have three kids, one of each.

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.