Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 13

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.