Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 13
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.