Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 13

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.