Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 13

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

And my girlfriend, she's fat! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches - one for each time zone!

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"