Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 13

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, "Act your age." She died.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.