Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 13

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.