Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

A hooker once told me she had a headache.