Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.