Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.