Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.