Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."