Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.