Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 15
I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.