Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!