Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.