Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.