Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.