Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.