Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 17

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!