Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 18
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.