Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 18

425 quotes

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".