Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 18

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.