Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 18
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.