Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 18
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.