Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 19
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.