Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 19

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.