Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 19

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.