Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 19

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.