Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 19
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.