Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 19

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.