Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 19
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.