Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.