Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.