Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.