Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 20
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.