Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 21
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!