Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 21
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.