Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 21
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."