Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 21
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.