Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 21
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".