Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 21
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".