Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.