Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.