Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.