Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.