Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."