Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 22

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look... twins!

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."