Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.