Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.