Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.