Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!