Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.