Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.