Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.