Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 23

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.