Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'