Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.