Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

They took a survey: "Why do men get up in the middle of the night?" Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.