Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.