Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 24

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.