Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.