Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.