Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 25

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I want a girl just like the girl that Dad kept on the side.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

My wife, she can't cook at all. When we go on a picnic, I bring Tums for the ants.

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.