Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26
They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.