Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!