Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.