Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.