Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.