Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.