Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.